CH-CH-CHAAAANGES

Learning how to honor your spirit in all of your daily scenarios will change your life and your personality, permanently, and in the greatest way. When your self-esteem is low, you function completely different than when you're confident about your worth, and feeling good about yourself and the decisions you're making. You may think that the way you are now is your true self, but if your peace of mind is shot, you're feeling broken down and defeated all the time, and you're constantly feeling bad about yourself, then you haven't experienced the best you, the you whose disposition will be completely transformed once you learn to tend to your best interests at all times, in the healthiest way.

I say this because I've experienced it firsthand. I'm a completely different person now, as someone who puts honoring my spirit into practice daily, than before I learned why it's so important for a balanced mental state and life, and how to do it.

If you wanna get in on this peace of mind, high self-esteem action, now is a great time to do it. My services are being restructured, so in January 2017, the options will change and the prices will increase significantly. If you've been on the fence about investing in yourself and working with me so you can move through one or more of your life and/or career challenges, then I invite you to take advantage of my current setup and prices, and make that commitment before this month is over.

Remember, if you'd like to see if what I offer is right for you, then you can always do a free Intention and Energy Assessment before moving forward with a service. You can get started on that right here:

http://www.honorthespirit.com/free-intention-and-energy-assessment.html

THE LIFE-CHALLENGE SERIES: WHATCHA GONNA DO ABOUT IT?

A lesson in dealing with someone who has habits that rub you the wrong way, and when you experience them, your blood pressure rises and you snap at them, and then things are tense: The challenging thing about this type of situation is that people do not have to change their behavior if they don't want to; and they really won't do it if they don't think there's anything wrong with it. You're welcome to ask them to change, but don't expect it.

No matter how annoying or foul it is, you really only have two healthy options: discontinue your dealings with them, or find a way to deal with the behavior so that you retain your peace of mind. It doesn't serve either one of you if you always react negatively, especially when you already know how the person is. Since you're the one who's always bothered by the behavior, it's your responsibility to figure out how to handle it, and the person, in a way that allows there to be peace between you two. Figure out why the behavior annoys you, what it means for you if the person doesn't stop doing it (What harm, discomfort, or loss does it cause you? Does it scare you?), how you can accept the person for who they are, and then work around what they do, meaning find a response that's neutral. If you choose to keep them in your life, then you have to work it out on your end. It's your problem, not theirs.

*By the way, I'm not talking about someone doing something to you that is harmful, disrespectful, abusive, etc. I'm only talking about behavior that you find annoying or distasteful.

Learn more at www.honorthespirit.com

ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?

I was talking to a guy at an open mic on Monday night. He was so moved by my poetry that he said he almost had to "take a moment and step outside to think about it all." I told him I'm also a life consultant, and my poetry is directly connected to that work. We talked about why I'm not a life coach. I explained that the way my system is set up, people get results really fast. His reply was, "Ah, so you're in and out." Yes. Exactly. And the reason is, as I further explained to him, I know from personal experience and from watching others, that when you're truly ready to do the work on yourself and make the changes you need to advance, you take the tools and info you get when you seek help, and you get crackin' ... now, today. Even when doing the work is challenging. All of the people I've helped have been ready to do the work, so when we're done with our consultation, they go and get their results. They don't need me for 3, 6, 12 months, 2 years, etc. I like it that way. I believe it's better that way. You already have what it takes to succeed. The question is, when you get the help you need, ARE. YOU. READY. TO. ROCK?

One of my clients got her results in 4 days; she had been struggling for the better part of a year with her situation. Another got hers in less than 3 months (and that's only because she had no control over the process outside of herself that she had to wait for; but she did her work immediately); she had been struggling with her situation for over a decade. Another client advanced on his path in less than 2 months. These people were ready to rock, even in spite of their fears. One thing about me is I'm not interested in draining your pockets or taking up an unnecessary amount of your and my time. I want you to get in and out and on with your life when you work with me. I want you to not need me when we're done; you are all that you truly need on a daily basis; you just might need help getting tapped in to yourself initially, so you can honor your spirit regularly and therefore advance. Yes, I check in with my clients to make sure they're good. I'm here for them if they need a pick-me-up (this service is called the Refresh Session). I don't just disappear from their lives. But I gotta say, once they get in tune with themselves and start honoring their spirits, they really don't need much else from me, if anything at all.

I only wanna work with people who are ready to rock. It's a waste of our time, and your money, if you're not. So, if you're ready, then let's get you those results. www.honorthespirit.com. I invite you to check out the testimonials while you're there.

THE LIFE-CHALLENGE SERIES: DON'T GET YOUR WIRES CROSSED

We're all born with natural abilities and skills that we develop as we grow. Over time, we discover our myriad interests; and along our life's journey, we may hone those interests and pursue them on some higher level, or we may just keep them as hobbies. We are wired for these things. As we change, advance, learn more about ourselves and our lives, and interact with others, we're introduced to an even larger variety of interests. We even begin to learn about some hidden knacks, things we had no idea we could do until unique situations present themselves and we find ourselves being bad-asses at things that totally surprise us.

Then there is all the stuff in this world that we're not wired for. Being wired for something is two-fold: there has to be interest and ability—and the ability can even be minuscule. But in my experience, I'm gonna venture to say that the element of interest is key in wiring, because without it, there'll be a wall up that will impede you from exploring any ability you may have for a thing. With interest, even the smallest amount of ability has potential to be nurtured and subsequently grown, even if you don't end up being a total bad-ass at the thing. Maybe you're just adequate, but at least you can do it well enough to achieve decent results.

I'm not wired for fancy mathematics. By "fancy," I mean anything outside of the basics of adding, subtracting, multiplying, and dividing—and sometimes I have to do those things on a calculator, depending on how big the equations I'm working with are. I'll tell you in a heartbeat, "I'm not the math girl," and have no problems with that statement. Why? Because I have absolutely no interest in anything outside of the forms of math I just mentioned. None. Zip. I. Do. Not. Care. As long as I can manage my life doing the basics, I'm cool. When algebra, geometry, calculus, trigonometry, or any other higher form of math will help me balance my checkbook or keep track of what's in my wallet, let me know and I might be able to scrounge up an inkling of interest, enough to get help with learning it. I already know I'm looking like Cindy Brady on that game show when it comes to algebra, because it was a painful struggle for me to get anything higher than a D- in it, in high school, even when my teacher tried to help me. Had I been the least bit interested in it, I might've been able to grasp it better. But my wiring was, and still is, faulty when it comes to that kinda math, and I totally embrace that fact. Lord forbid I ever need algebra or any of its fancy-mathematics siblings at the spur of the moment to advance in my life, 'cause I'd surely be screwed. Oh well!

What I know is this: you are not here to excel or even be good at everything. A lot of stuff just isn't naturally for you, whether you're flat-out uninterested, or you're interested but you struggle with it. I invite you to let that be okay and not find fault with yourself because of it, even if people try to make you feel like you should or need to be a this-or-that wizard. If you find that you need to do something you're not good at, then guess what? That's what the countless other people out there who are good at it are for—to help you when you're in a pinch. The beautiful and fascinating thing about life is that people all over the world are not only interested in but also masters at that things you're terrible at, and you can seek them out when necessary.

While I think it's imperative to grow and do and learn as much as you can in this life, I also feel like it's equally important to accept yourself for who you are, what your interests are (and are not), and what inherent skills you have. It's healthy to know and not resist your limitations. Having limitations is not a bad thing and is nothing to berate yourself over. I invite you to learn to perceive and speak about your limitations in a way that doesn't damage your self-esteem. You can know you're not good at something, you need help getting it done, and still feel good about yourself. You have so many other great attributes you're here to showcase and use for your and others' betterment. That's the stuff that's wise to focus on, develop, and continue to add to, through your everyday discoveries about yourself.

Enjoy doing and being great at what you're wired for. Let everyone else be great at the stuff you're not wired for. Just keep their contact info handy for a rainy day; and have yours ready for those who'll eventually need you to help them over a hump in your field of expertise.

Take good care of yourselves, and always remember to honor the spirit.

THE LIFE-CHALLENGE SERIES: HAPPINESS IS INTENTIONAL

It would be great if happiness were just there for us, without our having to make any effort to achieve it. Many times it is; things happen that bring us joy, and we didn't necessarily orchestrate those situations. But there's another level to the happiness game that requires effort, action, risk, and trust. This level involves the unknown and all of its exciting and sometimes scary elements.

No one ever said pursuing happiness would always be easy. Often, happiness is found outside our comfort zone, where we rarely like to trek. In fact, our greatest happiness is found in our most deliberate choices and endeavors. It's found in pushing the envelope of our perceptions and faith. It's found in our willingness to let go of old ways that are holding us back. It's found in entertaining the idea of rearranging our lives so we can have that thing or experience we've been eyeing for years but have been too afraid to reach out and touch. It's found in ignoring our loud, negative ego that tells us we can't, shouldn't, won't be able to, and will fail if we go for it.

Happiness is that thing we have to decide to have, in spite of naysayers, fears, discomfort, lack of confidence, lack of details, and perceived limitations. Happiness is that thing that sometimes requires us to give up what's mediocre (read: safe) in our lives in order to get the best. It's the big prize whose prerequisite usually involves our passing some tests along the way, ones that show us just how committed to our well-being we really are.

The reality is, you can't say you want happiness but be unwilling to try things. Maybe you don't dive into the whole enchilada head-first, though, if it's too scary. Maybe you nibble on it here and there. For example, if you wanna travel to a place that would take 10 hours to get to by plane, but you're afraid of flying, then maybe you plan a short trip to a place you wouldn't mind visiting that's closer, where the flight is, say, 2 hours. Chip away at your fear bit by bit. Work your way up to a 10-hour flight. If you wanna go into a specific career but you're not ready to chase that dream full force, then maybe you look into doing some volunteer work in the field, or an internship that might pay you. Or, if you can't do either of those things, maybe you seek out people in the field and ask if they can show you around their work environment and provide you with details that will help you assess the option better. If you wanna relocate but you don't know where, then start jotting down the conditions and type of environment you prefer living in, do your research on places that match what's on your list, and go visit. If your dream is to get a degree but the thought of immersing yourself in the thick of school terrifies you, then maybe you start off at a community college and build up those transferable units over time. If you wanna do something like move on from an unhealthy situation or person and you're finding it daunting, then maybe you map out your exit plan by first examining your fears about leaving, and making a concerted effort to quell them enough that you can make a move. Make a pros and cons list about the situation. Write down all the ways staying is robbing you of your peace of mind, and all the ways leaving will bring you peace and freedom.

There are countless scenarios I could talk about, but the point is, whatever you wanna do that you feel will be good for your soul and your health, just know that whether the goal is big or small, you may have to step out on faith and take your chances—jump out of the proverbial parachute, so to speak—and trust the outcome. Happiness is not always gonna magically be at your front door with a bouquet of flowers. There will be times when you'll have to go get it, and you may need to move a couple of mountains along the way.

Happiness is always yours for the taking. The question is: how much do you really want it?

Have a great week, and always remember to honor the spirit.

THE LIFE-CHALLENGE SERIES: THE QUEST IN THE QUIET

I don't know about you, but I LOVE my quiet time. It's mandatory for me. I need lots of it, whether it's for long stretches or in short spurts. I just gotta have it. This wasn't always the case, though. There was a time when quiet time made me super uncomfortable, so I didn't engage in much of it. Instead, I would always have some kind of distraction at hand: phone calls, music, TV, Internet, movies; you name it and if it would keep me from being subjected to the sound of "nothing," then I was using it.

Then, in 2012, when I was struggling with a lot of issues and was feeling like my world was spinning out of control, I decided to get quiet. I just needed to stop, think, and try to figure out what the hell was happening in my life and how to get a grip on things. At that time, for some reason, all the distractions had gotten very loud and annoying, so I cut them off and I spent days in silence. At first it was almost nerve-racking since I had never tried it before. I thought it would be easy when I got started, but I was wrong. It was actually a bit scary and I wanted to quit. But then I realized wanting to quit was exactly why I needed to keep at this little experiment. I realized I was afraid of myself, and that wasn't working for me, especially since I had to take me wherever I went.

Afraid of myself? Huh? Yes. It became crystal clear that I didn't wanna hear everything that was in my head, because a lot of it was unpleasant. There were all kinds of fears, warped perceptions, pressing questions, strange judgments, and negative self-talk piled in there, all yammering at the same time, and I couldn't get away from any of it! Good grief! What had I gotten myself into? I thought I had signed up for relaxing Zen time that would make me feel good, but what I had walked into was a war zone in my mind. I was a mess and it was time to clean myself up.

So I dove in to everything I didn't wanna look at. As I began to examine things, come up with answers to a lot of those difficult questions, pull apart the perceptions and negativity, uncover the reasons for my fears, and assess my desires, goals, and needs, the feeling of wanting to run from myself started to fade. I found myself feeling so much better, lighter, clearer. I felt a real sense of relief. I realized how important silence was, and how much I blocked my growth and advancement because I had been refusing to listen to myself. I realized that putting a muzzle on my mind and then expecting to be able to move forward in my life was the worst form of self-sabotage. I finally understood that in the silence is where all the valuable, crucial, precious information about me and what I need to [do to] feel good about myself and my life, is kept. It occurred to me that all those years I spent looking outside myself for answers was wasted, because I had all of them in my head the whole time. Naturally, I couldn't access them properly because I was too busy drowning them out with noise.

You have the same access to all of the answers about yourself and your life, too. It's in the silence. And if you wanna get clear about who you are, why you do the things you do, what you want, what you need, how you feel, and how to go about making things happen for yourself, then I invite you to embrace quiet time, without any distractions. Pure silence. It'll probably work your nerves at first, if you're not used to being with yourself like that. I suggest having a notebook and pen handy, or your computer, so you can write or type out your discoveries. Something about seeing the clutter in your head, up close with your own two eyes, makes it easier to filter through. Extracting the sentiments and then reading them is empowering. It's like you've finally "got the goods" on yourself, and now you can sort through them and start making changes based on your findings. You can also start crafting a new story about yourself and your life. Write down your goals and intentions. Map out some moves to make toward their achievement. Start planning your upgraded future.

Once you get comfortable with silence and you experience its benefits, I assure you that it'll become one of your most cherished activities. You'll understand that it holds the key to your victory in so many ways. So go ahead. Be quiet. Your soul will thank you.

Take good care of yourselves, and always remember to honor the spirit.

THE LIFE-CHALLENGE SERIES: SMILE AND BE "GOOD"

Did you know that smiling is healthy for you? I know many of you may have heard that it is, but do you know exactly how and why? I just found out recently, in this article. When you have a few minutes, please read it all the way through; it's really fascinating!

Prior to researching the benefits of smiling, I had been taking notice of the fact that when I make a concerted effort to smile at people a lot, I feel good. I can literally feel a shift in my spirit. This shift is especially noticeable when I'm in a negative space mentally, as opposed to when I'm already in a decent space. The energy is a little different. When I'm feeling good, my natural instinct is to smile, as is most people's. Of course, it feels good then, too; but when there's a deliberate effort put into the act, that's when I notice the most benefit. Now that I've read the above article, I understand why. I invite you to challenge yourselves to smile a lot, on purpose, when you're struggling with challenges, whether you smile at people or just find something to smile at when you're alone. Part of honoring your spirit is making sure you do all that you can to feel good, as often as possible. Walking around with a scowling face is almost as unattractive and unhealthy as complaining. No one really feels comfortable around people who don't smile or who frown all the time. You don't always need words to express how you feel. In fact, before the words come out, your face starts telling your story. I know I definitely like to stay away from sourpusses. Their energy is draining and has the ability to adversely affect others in the vicinity.

Another thing I've noticed I do, that also feels healthy, is [smiling and then] saying "I'm good" when asked how I'm doing—even when I know damn well I could be doing a whole lot better. (Sure, if you wanna be super-technical, then it's "I'm [doing] well.") Yeah ... I know, I know ... if you say you're "good" when you're really not feeling good, then you're a dirty little liar, right? Well, maybe to some people, but allow me to share with you a different spin on the concept. In the world of speaking the life you want into existence, it goes without saying that all words matter. Attached to the words we speak are our intentions. I don't know about you, but my intention is to feel good as soon and as often as possible. The best way I know to make that happen, in addition to physical actions, is by speaking purposefully about what I want and how I wanna feel, regardless of the crap that's happening in "real life." I'm looking ahead, focusing on my future; and in my future, I wanna be "good." The future starts the second after I speak my chosen words. So, in reality, when I say "I'm good," when I know I'm in the midst of one or more life storms, it's not about being fake or lying; it's about intentionally speaking about myself, and my life in general, the way I want things to be.

Lemme be clear about the fact that I'm not saying you should never tell anyone what's really going on with you. This isn't about skipping around the universe in full-on denial, acting like Mr. or Mrs. Perpetually Happy. That is fake. There will usually be certain people in your life with whom you can speak your truth, which, at times, can also be healthy and is sometimes necessary. But I would strongly suggest limiting that circle of people to those you trust and who have your best interests at heart, as well as monitoring how you tell your stories. Even when telling your truth, I implore you to choose your words wisely. Try not to morph into Negative Ned or Nancy and start spewing your saga using the most dramatic, pessimistic sentiments. Remember: all words matter. This means you still wanna make the effort to speak goodness into your life, even if you're speaking on "the real" of your situation. Try to use the most neutral phrasing you can think of to describe what's going on. Try not to make yourself sound like a victim. Try to throw in some phrases that lend themselves to your eventual victory (e.g., "But it'll all work out"; "I'm gonna be okay"; "I'm gonna get the help I need"; etc.).

This takes practice; I'm not even gonna lie. I don't always succeed, either, especially if I'm overwhelmed and at a breaking point. Hell, sometimes you just need a good breakdown right quick, and that's perfectly okay. You can only hold in extreme upset for so long; a release every now and then is natural. Just try not to make a habit of erupting on a regular basis, especially when you're speaking casually to people who've asked how you're doing. Use those moments for being deliberate in your intention to speak the good you want into your life. And be courteous and always say thank you. No one has to ask how you're doing, ya know.

Overall, consciously speaking about your challenges in the least gloomy way helps move you into a better mental and physical space quicker. It helps attract the scenarios you want in place of the ones you don't. Couple that with all the smiling you'll be doing, and I'd say you're gonna be some appealing, irresistible, abundance-creating mugs!

 Take care, and always remember to honor the spirit.

THE HEALTHIEST ROUTE THROUGH THE STORM

Sometimes, what you need is the wherewithal to move through a challenging scenario in a way that allows you to close it out as soon as possible. Maybe it's the best option for you right now or one that you're unable to wrap up in your time-frame preference (because, in reality, you don't always have control over when your breakthrough happens; sometimes you just have to stay strong and be diligent until it does) and there are aspects that are difficult to deal with. If you don't deal with them in a healthy way, you'll not only feel worse but also prolong your issue, because your attitude during hard times is what makes or breaks your advancement.

Many times, the key to your victory is changing your attitude. There may be no more outside efforts left for you to make; it may all hinge on that inner shift. Usually, when you're operating from anger or frustration, you can't even see the best effort to make; it's when you adjust your attitude that you finally do. This is where I come in, with Life Challenge Consulting. I can help you make healthy moves and decisions within your scenarios. If there's one thing I know how to do, it's move through hard times with the proper attitude. I check myself regularly in my own situations. Do I always feel like it? Hell no. But I do it because I know how this works. I know that if I allow myself to sink into negative spaces, I'm only embedding myself in the situation that much more, and I'm opening the door for more strife. Let me be clear: negativity is not how you get out of a situation quickly ... or at all. It keeps you there.

If you're struggling to get through something, to just have some peace of mind and to be as comfortable as possible while you pursue your victory, then let me help you through Life Challenge Consulting. Check out the details here: http://www.honorthespirit.com/life-challenge-consulting.html

ARE YOU AFRAID TO COMMIT ... TO YOURSELF?

My life-consulting system promotes empowerment, which means I don't play when it comes to setting you up to rely on yourself to get the results you want, and that means you're gonna hafta take action, not sit around and whine, blame, complain, and make excuses. If you're not serious about committing to yourself through TIME, EFFORT, and MONEY to doing what's best for your physical and emotional well-being, then you shouldn't contact me. My guidance positions you to take action now so you can move forward based on your truth, not mine or what I think you should do.

The people I've helped have all gotten the results they want in less than 90 days (one person got hers in four days), because they were tired of being miserable and serious about making the necessary changes to not be anymore. If you're that person, then I invite you to contact me so we can get it crackin'. If you're looking for the type of session where I coddle and cry with you, say some pretty words to make you feel better and send you on your way with "good luck," then I'm not a match for you. I am, however, always loving and compassionate.

Together, we can determine if you're ready for a new, healthier scenario and if I'm the person to help you get there, through a free 20-minute Intention and Energy Assessment. It's important to me that you're clear about my system and whether or not you're up for the commitment before you spend your money with me. I only wanna work with people who wanna help themselves.

If you're interested in learning more about Life Challenge and Life Mission consulting, and if you'd like to set up an Intention and Energy Assessment, then head on over to www.honorthespirit.com for all the deets.

I'M HIGH EVERY DAY!

When I'm engrossed in doing what I love, which is working with words, I change physically and emotionally. I smile at people a lot; any pain I feel is forgotten; if I was tired before, all of a sudden I'm wide awake; I'm filled with this strange surge of energy that makes me feel like I've guzzled 10 Red Bulls; hunger, sleep, the bathroom, errands, and phone calls get back-burnered for as long as possible (and if you know me, then you know I'm very much about my food!!); and I have no desire to stop what I'm doing ... for anyone. This is a regular occurrence when I'm working. It doesn't feel like work, though. It feels like something that's great for my health. Literally. I feel healthiest when I'm doing what I love. My self-esteem soars. When I'm finished, I remain in a relaxed state of mind and feel totally fulfilled for hours afterward. There is no feeling like this.

Are you experiencing this kind of high in the work you do? Because it's definitely a high, and one you can have every day if you're doing work you truly love. If you're not, then I can help you. Let's do a Life Mission consultation and get you aligned with your purpose and passion, so you can start helping people in a way that incorporates your interests, skills, and talents, and completely fulfills your spirit. Click the link below to learn more and sign up.

http://www.honorthespirit.com/life-mission-consulting.html

NANNY, NANNY, NAAAANNY!

Last year, I watched for many months as a friend struggled with finding a nanny for her two sons, so she could tend to her fulfilling but hectic work schedule. I read one agony-filled FB post after another, as she literally seemed to have a new nanny trauma every month. I'm a Life Consultant and Self-Mastery Catalyst. I help people move past all kinds of challenging situations—but I can only help them if they're willing to do the work needed to move forward. Most of the time, the work is uncomfortable because I don't let people get away with lying to themselves, so not everyone's ready for me and my system.

As the months passed and I watched NaTasha become more and more enraged with her circumstances and express various degrees of disapproval for the nannies she had hired, she and I finally discussed doing a Life Challenge Consultation. I told her I could definitely help her find the right nanny, but that she would have to understand one thing first: the problem wasn't the nannies she was hiring; it was HER. I could tell she wasn't feeling that answer! LOL! But I asked her to trust me. I told her that what we were about to do would probably be really uncomfortable, but if she would be open to doing the work, afterward she would be able to find the best nanny. I should also mention that when we finally did the consult, she only had 4 days to find one, as her vacation was about to end and there was no one to take care of her sons.

That was November 2015. She did the work. She found the perfect nanny. In 4 days. I presented her with the tools, and she built a new scenario. She still has that nanny. Below is her testimonial:

"Our nanny, Lili, is PHENOMENAL and is just getting better! [In our Life Challenge consultation], you made me say the things I already knew, OUT LOUD, which in turn made me fess up to myself about what I didn't realize was affecting my judgment in choosing a nanny. I had to take self-inventory and apply 'me' to my situation. I was being VERY picky in the wrong areas in choosing a nanny; I had to see myself as the nanny as opposed to the employer. I needed to find myself in the woman that I wanted and needed for a nanny. It's amazing how all this came to me because the self-inventory and looking for myself happened DURING the interview with her! Thank you again!" ~NaTasha Smith

If you're ready to build a new scenario, then let's get to it. You can find all the info you need at www.honorthespirit.com.

THE LIFE-CHALLENGE SERIES: "YOU GOT SOME 'SPLAINING TO DO!"

Actually … ya don’t! Have you ever stopped to look at how often you explain your reasons to people about things that, to be honest, are just none of their damn business? There is sooo much unnecessary explaining going on in the world, and it’s all because we’re afraid of some kind of excommunicational (nope, not a real word; nope, don’t care!) consequence if we say no to people without laying our whole story on the line. We want them to approve and not be mad. Or, if they are mad, at least we will have stated our case in an effort to get them to understand our position, which was oh-so necessary for the good of our relationship/connection, right? Not ! Let’s be honest: most of the time, when people ask you to do things you don’t wanna do, if it’s not your boss or someone you really do owe a decent explanation (you know who those people are in your life; I don’t need to list them), all you really need to say is no, and keep it pushing, whether they like it or not.

This may sound cold, but I don’t care. The way I see it, as the grown women and men we all are, we really don’t have too many people to answer to other than bosses, people in law enforcement, maybe a random teacher here and there, and possibly a spouse/significant other <-------- (possibly … depending on what the spouse/signif other is asking for). And if you’re not grown yet, well, sorry, but you might have to say yes when you don’t want to, and/or explain yourself to your parent(s) if you take a stab at a bold no, especially if you’re living in their house.

Listen. People want what they want from us, and they don’t like no. Many times they tend to be nosy, pushy, and act entitled when that’s what they get. I know I don’t like being told no when asking for what I want. Too bad, though, because the reality is, people are allowed to turn us down, and they shouldn’t have to be subjected to questioning about their decision afterward.

You’re allowed to say no, too (this includes changing your yes to a no), and this post is about getting comfortable with saying it and not justifying it every time, or at all, unless it’s really necessary. So, lemme ask you: are you aware of the many lovely ways there are to say no? Oh, there are quite a few, and I’ve used them all, depending on who’s asking for what, who they are to me, and if I care about any future interactions with them. There are some people I just say no to, flat out. No synonym phrases on deck. No feeling uncomfortable about it before, during, or after. Just no, and this convo is over. Bye. You mad? Meh … don’t care. But there are plenty of times when I’m not so comfortable slapping folks upside the head with a hard no, attached to the “And don’t ask me why, either,” tone. There are times when I feel the conversations would end better with a softer rejection, but still no explanation because it’s still none of their business what I decide to do with my time and life, and why. If I’m being frank, there are times when I’m truly uncomfortable with the no I know I’m about to hand someone, afraid, even, because hey, I’m human and flawed and the thought of some people’s adverse reactions daunt me every now and then, especially if they’re important to me. But I’ve come to a point in my life where, even when dealing with people who do matter, I'm solid about that fact that there are things they don’t need to know; there are situations I just don’t feel like explaining or talking about; and that’s my right.

This brings me to those synonym phrases. They’re the best. The following is a short list of ways to say no, when no isn’t the word you're comfortable using:
 

• That won’t work for me
• It’s not in my best interest
• I’m unavailable/I won’t be available (*my personal favorite and one I use frequently)
• It conflicts with my schedule
• I have other plans
• I’m busy
• I’ve had an unexpected schedule change (for when you change your yes to a no)
• Now’s not a good time
• I have some important business to take care of (for use in a now-no or a yes to a no)
• Maybe some other time

The great thing about these replacements is that they’re all true, meaning you’re not lying to people. “I’m sick,” when you’re not sick, is a lie. “I can’t” is a lie most of the time (usually you can; you just don’t want to). Bringing other people and situations into your no, when they have nothing to do with it, is a lie: “I promised so-and-so I’d help him move.” “I have to take my car to the shop.” “I have to work.” “I’m doing/going to XYZ with my family.” Yeah, stop that, people. Just. Stop. Be grown. Quit all that lying. It’s not necessary. The list above provides plenty of honest exit routes. They all mean the same thing: I’m about to take care of me. Period.

You may beg to differ that some of those options are borderline lies, but let me school you right quick. If doing what you wanna do is at the center of those options, then there is no lie. “I have some important business to take care of” is not a lie. Why? Because whatever you feel you wanna do in place of their request is important business, even if it’s sitting around cutting your toenails, sipping tea while staring out the window, or binge-watching your favorite show on Netflix all day in your pajamas. Basically, anything you wanna do that you decide is in your best interest, that brings you peace of mind, and that puts you in the physical or mental space you wanna be, is justifiably important. Because that’s your job, all day, every day: to make sure you feel good, comfortable, and at peace, as often as you can. The same goes for the rest of the options. If you look at their wording, they’re all based on the fact that you’re putting yourself before some request that you feel would take you out of your peaceful zone, or put you in a stressful one if you say yes (or if you don’t change your mind about), and again, you need not explain yourself any further.

Will you dare be questioned by the nosy-pushy-entitled ones? Possibly. No matter how you say no, there may be times when people will attempt to not let you off the hook so easily. Stand your ground, people (I’m talking to myself, too!). Don’t let them lightweight bully you into engaging their discomfort with or dismay about your refusal to comply. Now, this may take a little more courage than you think you have, but if you get questioned, kindly repeat yourself. As in, “That won’t work for me.” “Why not? What’s the problem?” “It just won’t work for me.” “I heard you, but why not?” “It just won’t work for me.” “But tell me why, though? Why can’t you tell me?” *Very firmly: “It’s not gonna work. Sorry.” You’re probably not sorry, but that’s not the point. It’s not an actual apology; it’s a “shut-down sorry,” the polite way of letting people know you’re ending the discussion. At that point, depending on the means of communication, you kindly excuse yourself from the person. Nosy-pushy-entitled ones sometimes need to be dealt with in a special way.

This type of conversation can be had with any no, even if you use the word itself. If you wanna be in control of your life, time, personal space, and personal business, then I strongly suggest that you employ the repeat-yourself method if/when questioned unnecessarily. It may seem more effortful than just giving in and explaining … or lying, but in my experience, it’s really the healthier way to go. It’s like saying, “This is the only answer you’re gonna get. Deal with it.” If you’re feeling particularly courageous and snarky, you could just say, “Because I said so,” or “Don’t question me.” Boom. Crack their face. The point is, if you always let people push you into giving them what they want, even if it’s an explanation where none is needed, then your self-esteem will plummet. Your chances of feeling great about yourself while letting people run your show aren’t good.

If you really don’t mind explaining a situation or reason, then by all means, do it. I’m definitely not saying you should never explain yourself to people. That kind of decision is based wholly on how you feel about the act. If it feels right, natural, necessary, and totally non-stressful, then great. What I’m asking you to do is pay attention to how and when you give of yourself to people; and when you don’t want to, please, for the love of your peace of mind and self-worth, find a way to be strong and decline without lying.

I totally understand that there’ll be times when you’ll be confronted with super-difficult “no moments,” ones that pull at your conscience, for whatever reason. I’ve been there. They can be a bit tricky sometimes, especially if you feel indebted to the people who are asking of you (that’s a whole other post that’ll take place another day). But, alas, no matter how uncomfortable, what I know for sure is that if we don’t find a way to honor ourselves in these situations, then we’re gonna tumble downhill, fast, emotionally.

I know I’m damn sure not up for spending the rest of my days trudging back up to the self-esteem mountaintop. Are you?

Take good care of yourselves, and always remember to HONOR THE SPIRIT! 

THE LIFE-CHALLENGE SERIES: VISITING HOURS ARE OVER

Sometimes, when a door closes—a situation in our lives ends—if we're brutally honest with ourselves, we're really not that fazed by its ending, because it either wasn't resonating with our spirits from the beginning, or, over time, our priorities changed and now that scenario isn't in alignment with our path.

But still ... when that door closes, sometimes there's this [long or short] moment of freak-out, where we get all up in arms about its dissolution, and we may even go out of our way to try to keep it, causing ourselves undue stress, when in reality, the thing isn't what we're trying to keep; it's the end result that we're attached to, the way that thing served us, how it kept us comfortable or safe in some way. That's what we're scrambling to hold on to. The fear of that door closing and not having that end result, either ever again or for a really long time, is what drives us to dishonor ourselves by clinging to something that our spirit has decided it's time to let go of and make room for a bigger, better, even more satisfying scenario.

Everything changes and everything ends, in one way or another. When doors close, let's remember (I'm saying "let's" cuz I'm talking to myself, too) that it's because, in hospital terms, "visiting hours are over." We're just visiting with these scenarios until it's time to advance. Some of them last years, decades, even. But at some point, the visit will end. And when it does, it'll be because we're ready spiritually, even if our ego says we're not.

Trust your spirit when doors close. Spirit is supreme. It knows when enough is enough. So pack up, say a jubilant good-bye, and walk away with anticipation of your next place of visit, in a new, grander situation.

Visit me at Honor the Spirit for more info about how I can help you stay centered and at peace.