Monday, July 18, 2016

THE LIFE-CHALLENGE SERIES: "YOU'VE CHANGED" (BUT WHY?)

In relationships, do you think it's mandatory that you be open to changing yourself to suit the other person(s)? I'm not just talking about romantic relationships; I'm talking about all of them: friendships, family, work, etc. Before I get into the meat and potatoes, I have some questions for you:

1. Do you think that if someone is uncomfortable with who you are, what you like, or how you function, you should be ready to immediately alter yourself so their interactions with you can be easier?

2. Do you know the difference between healthy compromise and doing yourself a disservice?

3. Are you accepting of the parts of you that could use a little fine-tuning, especially if it means having smoother encounters with others—changes that will ultimately make you a better person?

4. When you change because of others' disapproval, do you feel good about yourself, or do you feel like you've just agreed to a fraudulent life, where you're functioning in ways that make you unhappy because they go against your true nature?

Let me start my spiel by saying this: You're never really obligated to change your behavior for anyone, regardless of who it is, how much you love them, or how much they don't like it. HOWEVER ........ let me be clear about the fact that if you never adjust your behavior, there will likely be times when you'll cause a lot of problems for yourself and others, based on how ugly or difficult that behavior is. That will be your choice, and you'll have to deal with the consequences when they come around. That being said, you're always responsible for how you choose to act, but where do—or should—you draw the line when deciding what to change about yourself when dealing with people on a daily basis? At what point do you make a conscious decision to change things about yourself that will affect the people you come into contact with?

The answer is simple yet not the easiest to put into action: You change when you want to, for you. Period. So, what does that really mean? It means that you're here to tend to your happiness and "feel-good-ness" first, and that means there will probably be things about you that people don't like but that in reality aren't harming you or them. Many times it's a personality conflict. Sometimes it can be a moral conflict. Maybe you're totally comfortable doing whatever you do, but your sister hates it. Well, so what? Her problem. But let's say your sister hates it and it's wreaking havoc on your relationship. Now you're unhappy because you're not having the kind of harmonious relationship with her that you truly want. The thing you do doesn't make you unhappy, but it's messing things up for you with her. What do you do? Become who your sister wants so she can be happy? Not make an adjustment and risk possibly ruining your bond with her?

Again, the answer is: do what you wanna do for your happiness and comfort. This means you have to be able to distinguish what parts of you are too important to compromise, and how important your relationship with your sister is (and by the way, you can replace sister with friend, other family member, spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend, boss, or anyone else who's asking you to be or do what you may or may not be comfortable with). The biggest question is: if you change, is it a win for both of you or just a win for the other person? And by win for you, I mean is this change gonna not only benefit the relationship but also feel good for you? Will you be happy carrying out this new behavior on a regular basis (because, remember, the change is usually expected to be permanent unless otherwise discussed)? Is the frowned-upon behavior something you'll feel content with letting go of so your relationship or situation can progress the way you want? Will the new behavior really be something you can be open to embracing fully?

These are questions I invite you to ponder when contemplating changing yourself at other people's request or urging (or, goodness forbid—demand!). Remember that if you're constantly changing to suit others and not yourself, you'll never really be the person you want; you'll always be who and what everyone else wants, which makes you nothing more than a puppet. The bottom line is, whatever you decide has to still be for you first, not the other person, because you can't take responsibility for other people's happiness and comfort. This means you and this person may have to part ways. You might have to go ahead and dip on out of a situation that puts you in a position of chipping away at or turning your back on who you wanna be (even if it's a job or some other super-important situation), no matter what your reasoning is for wanting to be that way. On the flip side, it could also mean you grow because of this change and/or it's actually healthy for you, and you get to have better relationships as a result, which will undoubtedly add to your pot of joy. I mean, who doesn't want smooth-sailing relationships and situations as often as possible?

Only you'll know, through your own deep introspection, what's best for you. It's always about what's best for you. No one can decide what that is but you. Whoever else benefits from the changes you make that you're happy with, is just the icing on the cake.

Take care, and always remember to honor the spirit!

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